***
The
damp earth was cool against Bria’s pale skin as she dug her shaking hands deep
into the dirt of the forest floor. She
hardly noticed the bitter cold air even though all she wore was her
undergarments, having left the rest of her clothing far behind her, at his home. The trees surrounded the spot where Bria
kneeled, still burying her hands deep into the dirt, trying to brush away the
blood that stained her skin. When she
finally pulled them out, her fingernails were filled with dark earth and the
red stains had faded, covered mostly by dirt.
Bria let out a tiny cry as she stared at her hands. How did
I get here? she thought. How did this happen?
Her
head spun slightly, obscuring her vision and making the forest around her sway
and pulse as if the trees were coming alive.
Fighting the urge to collapse, Bria braced her weight with her arms
against the ground. She thought back to
moments before, when she woke in his arms, and how quickly it turned into a
nightmare. Her entire past weaved
through her mind – the cruelty, the madness, and the sin. The sin was the worst part of it all, and
now, tonight, she had only added to her list of sins. How would she move forward? She wanted to remain here, in the forest,
until she rotted away. Guilt and regret
overwhelmed her entire being every day of her life, and tonight they had become
despicably horrid.
Bria’s
entire body shook fiercely and she rested her cheek against the cool dirt,
feeling only the slightest bit of relief.
Each breath should have felt like a gift at this moment, but instead
only felt like a tedious burden. She
wanted only to die. It was the only way
she could truly forget who she was, and what she had done. Her eyes, barely open, stared into the dark
trees, praying for death, when a tiny light began glowing in the distance. It wasn’t until it grew bigger, moving
closer, that Bria really realized it was there.
She lifted her head curiously, squinting against her blurred vision and
pushed herself to her knees again.
The glow continued closer
and before long, Bria could make out the shape of a human. Her heart was racing in her chest in
anticipation. As the figure approached
to stand directly in front of where Bria sat, it reached a vibrantly bright
hand down pulling Bria to her feet. Once
standing, she found herself facing a young girl and gasped despite herself. The young girl was Bria, only many years ago
before everything turned dark, before she forgot what innocence was like. Now all she knew was suffering and
degradation. The young Bria smiled
widely, her eyes twinkling with a twinge of sadness as she took in Bria’s
current state.
“Why
are you here?” Bria spoke aloud. “How are you here?”
The
young girl smiled again, grabbing hold of Bria’s hand and stepping beside
her. The forest changed into a wheat
meadow that Bria recognized immediately. It was her childhood home, the only place in
time where she felt safe. The image
zoomed in to show her younger self running into the house with a handful of
daisies, which Bria knew, were to give to her mother. Then a sinking feeling punched Bria through
the chest because she knew what she was about to witness and she didn’t want to
live it twice. She tried to let go of
the young Bria’s hand but it was impossible.
Her grasp was unbreakable and she looked up at Bria with knowing eyes,
nodding slightly in understanding. Bria
returned her attention to the sight before her just in time to witness her
younger self bursting through the front door of her home joyfully, eager to
show her mother the daisies, and finding her mother unclothed on the kitchen
table with a man who wasn’t her father. It
couldn’t be her father because he died the year before. Confused, but too frightened to stay a moment
longer, Bria’s younger self turned and ran out of the house, never looking back
despite her mother’s pleas. That was the
last time Bria saw her mother.
The
image faded slowly until the dark forest was all she could see again. Young Bria still stood by her side, still and
quiet. “Why?” Bria asked in a shaky
voice. “Why would you show me that?”
Young
Bria turned to face her, looking up with sad confidence. “Because you must understand,” she said
softly. “You must understand that it
isn’t your fault.”
“What
do you mean?” Bria asked.
“You’ve
blamed yourself your entire life, since that moment when you found your
mother. I’ve come to tell you that you
must let the past go.” Young Bria spoke
carefully. “You were too young and your
mother had a moment of carelessness. But
you cannot move on until you’ve closed the door to your past. The path you are on is one of hurt. You relive that moment everyday with your own
actions. But if you do not stop, you
will bring yourself to your own death.”
Bria
stood in disbelief. “I don’t
understand. The things of done…”
“Are not too late to ask forgiveness and move on from,” young Bria interjected calmly.
“Are not too late to ask forgiveness and move on from,” young Bria interjected calmly.
Bria
thought back on her past since that day she left home. She moved from brothel to brothel since the
age of twelve and bedded her first client by thirteen. Her sin was irrevocable. She was a woman of the night. She let men desecrate her body every night
just to make a living. And after tonight,
she had added manslaughter to her list of sins.
The sound of his screams still echoed in her ears and the smell of his
blood seemed to waft up into her nostrils.
“It’s
not too late, Bria,” young Bria said.
“Now is the time to begin again.
Only you can find your path. Be
brave. Do not give up hope. You will find your way.” And with those last words, young Bria faded
away, leaving her older self standing alone in the darkness again.
Bria
stood frozen, thinking hard. Had she
imagined the whole thing? She looked
down at her hands, now covered in blood and dirt, and it came to her. Yes, she had ghosts in her past, terrible
ghosts. They would not be forgotten. But for the first time since that day she
left home, Bria realized she had the power to decide to live a better
life. A sudden rush ran through her body
and she felt lighter than she could ever remember feeling. A new dawn had opened up to her tonight, a
light in the darkness that had swallowed her being. Now, she knew, it was up to her to take the
first step. But it would mean leaving
all she knew behind, no matter how awful it was. She found the thought difficult. Yet she also knew if she stayed, she would be
hanged for murder. No one would believe
that she killed the man out of self defense.
No one ever believes the word of a whore.
The same light from the young girl sparked
up in the distant trees before her, giving her the strength she needed. “I will find my way,” she said aloud. And for the first time since that day in the
meadow, Bria smiled slightly. An inner
strength she’d forgotten she had helped her take the first step out of the
forest. She knew it would be a long,
difficult road toward redemption and she had a lot to ask forgiveness for. But she also knew it was the road she wanted. She wasn’t sure how, she wasn’t
sure why, but tonight she was brought back to life. And it all would start over again with a long
overdue visit to the long forgotten house in the meadow.
***
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